Guilt and being set free

Today A few weeks ago, before our move and before we didn't have the internet for 10 days, I read some great blog posts, one of which was by a new mom, and I would link to it, but her blog is private, and then there was this one.  I have struggled so many times with guilt, and the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I haven't figured it all out, but I have discovered a few things.

1.) I can't do it all.
This always seems to surprise me.  When I feel like I am drowning or like I can't get anything right, it is usually because I have taken on too much, or am living like a martyr, or am simply letting my priorities get out of whack.
I constantly need to be reminded to KISS - Keep It Simple Sweetheart.  I can't be a good HOMEschooling mom if I am constantly OUT of the house.  There are some moms who can, they really can homeschool the way they want, be a patient mom, keep a clean house, cook good meals and be a loving wife while they are driving everyone everywhere for everything.  I now know for sure that I am not one of those moms.  I just can't do it.  I have tried.  I need to be home.  Home to clean, home to cook, and home to just feel sane.  Not all the time, but much of it.  I am good with short term commitments to outside activities.  I like 6-8 weeks.  Or better yet, one day.  When we have to be somewhere during the day too many times a week, I become a yelling, screaming, always running late wild woman!  Not a pretty sight!

2.) As much as I hate routine, I need it and a good plan.
I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl.  I really am. I want to plan my own curriculum, take time off to study ladybugs for a day when my kids are fascinated with one.  I love being spontaneous, and I can't stand having to do laundry every single Monday.  Ugh!  But in real life, doing laundry every single Monday is the only way I function well.  I have a tendency to want to do crazy outings and playdates and field trips and what-have-you, but now with the amount of people that I am responsible for, it really doesn't work well for me.  I need to know in advance what we are studying, I need a set of daily chores in a rythym so that I,  and the kids, know what is expected.  I need to have a general flow to the day.  No longer do I try to mimic the school system or even some good homeschooling systems of having subjects carry from one to the next in half hour increments, but I do need a flow.  A checklist of sorts to be sure each thing is getting done - a series of checkpoints during the day to be sure we are on target...out of bed and dresssed by such and such, lunch by this time, school done by this....take meat out by this...you know.  And a general flow to the week as well.  Monday is laundry, Tuesday is garbages, Wednesday is dusting...you get the drift.  I have to do it to be sure that I don't leave something important like laundry to a day we are out all day like Thursday!  It has been a struggle for me on this one, because I used to come by that more naturally.  You probably could have set your watch by our oldest's waking, nap and bed times.  But as she has grown, as the family has grown,  and we have had to be out of the house more in the evenings, that takes adjusting. I remember fondly the days my little kids were in bed by 7:30 - or earlier!  Hmm, now, our almost 2 year old is almost never in bed before 9:00 - because so many days the rest of us are out until almost then!

3.) It's okay.
It really is.  My kids are not yours, you are not me, we will not and should not parent them the same.  And it's okay!  Sometimes when I am feeling extra stressed it is because I have compared myself to you...as if you have all the answers and as if you are the best at all of this, and that is a lie.  I can glean from you some good stuff, I can admire the way you do something and make the concept work for me in my way, but I am me - not you- and that is just okay!  I think this is the number one source of my guilt.  I compare, I feel inadequate and I feel like it is because I am not like you.  But I am slowly remembering not to compare. Jesus has been gracious to me, He has forgiven me and is still walking with me daily to make me into the woman He wants me to be.  I have learned to try and enjoy my kids.  Enjoy being a mother.  I thought that part would come naturally, but it didn't. I actually feel most of the time like I am 'not done'.  Out-of-the-house jobs left me with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction, while being a homemaker has been much harder for me in that aspect!  I need to remind myself constantly to look for growth, look for progress, keep trying to get better and be glad that I am not where I once was!  I love knowing my kids, I love having them here with me, and it's true when the house is running smoothly it is easier for me to enjoy them.  I am glad I expect less perfection of them AND me than I once did!  It is okay, and it will be okay!

I wanted to recommend to you at this point a good book if you feel like you need encouragement in this area....especially for a homeschooling Mom, but really it is good for any mom!  I absolutely LOVED it!

  This book was like a breath of fresh air for me! And it was a super fast read, which is always awesome when you don't have much time for yourself!  I think I read it in one afternoon.  It may have been two, but no more than that! He is a funny guy, married to a homeschooling mom and you can sense the love and compassion he has for his wife as he has begun to recognize how she feels about herself and wants to be an encouragement to her!

Anyway, all of that to say that there is no fear for me in admitting that I don't have all the answers, sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but all in all I am so glad to be where I am....this is certainly not the direction I would have guessed my life was going to take!  Thank God I don't get to pick, I am sure this is better!